Renounced Morale
by Euphoria Mustang
Summary: In this iniquitous world, you’ll have to give up more than just your morale. Yaoi, rape, dark angst...Maes/Roy...character death


**Renounced Morale**

**Summary:** In this iniquitous world, you'll have to give up more than just your morale. Yaoi, rape, dark angst.

**Pairing:** Strongly hinted MaesxRoy.

**AN:** A dark fic having more to the apparent meanings. Roy's P.O.V of what he was going through trying to gather up the most vital, otherwise-impossible-to receive-information to solve the case of Maes' murder.

**Special thanks to:** _Cocacola_ of _Cocacola and Thingamagic_ for being such a wonderful beta!

**A warning has been issued to the readers for the strong implications and mentions of the dark events that follow. **

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It is rather funny how time compels you to face such a day. Once, there was such a moment in time when you were proud of being what you are. But now…

Amusing as it may sound, just as you start to appreciate the life that has been gifted, and then, within a snap of seconds, you watch as your whole life is turned upside down. You start to think of what has just happened, as you watch your surroundings, the situation, the people and most importantly, your own self, changing to a completely different form; a form unknown to you in every aspect, in every shape and size.

Once, in a point of your life, you wanted people to come closer to you - to yourself - to let them feel what you are. And now…now you want to run away from yourself, your personality, your feelings, your soul…hiding to the world, what you really are.

Humph! Time sure turns the table, my friend! It does. You can never predict when and by how much it'll turn against you, molesting you to step in a world of unknown, to you, to your morale. As in my case, did I ever guess to see this day? Did I ever hope that good times, all of life's colors, start to evaporate into darkness? Did I? I guess not…

You saw me, Maes! You knew how I was! Those desperate infatuates, men and women alike, all of them who larked over me…I never once said "Yes" to them. Nor did I ever wonder whether it was the right thing to do. A predicament? Not really. Unresponsiveness, more like it.

Oh Maes! How can I ever forget the cute little face you made when you saw any one of your possible rivals? You knew very well that my loyalty to you wasn't anything to be doubted and that the possibility of having said rivals was as close to none. Okay, so maybe the chances were nil, but still, it always provided me a good source of entertainment, seeing you all coveted like that! They made you jealous, temporarily though, but still jealous nonetheless. I could feel it! I could feel the vibes of spite coming from you.

However, truth to tell, I know how you had felt. I did, believe me.. I can't put into words how my inner organs churned when I experienced the same feeling…how my heart pounded, how my breath became ragged and shirred. Yes, Maes! You're right. I was also jealous. Jealous of my fate, of my deprivations. I became desirous by the very thought of you being with her. It enraged me to think of her having plenty of moments to share with you. So many precious moments to keep count of! And there, she was complaining to the lot, crying her eyes out for not being with you longer while there was I, who stood there, repenting but not once complaining out loud, about my bereavement, my destitute! Wasn't it reasonable for me to whine, Maes? Don't you think so? But I didn't. For your sake and for mine. I'm a man of morale, Maes…a man of morals.

She had her moments, while I…humph! While this wretched soul stole those times…stole what he should've received from the desired man, in those 'late night office hours'. Did it arouse my conscience, you ask? A bit, by a fraction, really! Chances, as close to negligible. Now don't make a face like that! I'm not saying 'I give a fuck' now am I? Of course I felt guilty, silly! As funny as it may sound to you, my morale did get to me, interfering every single day, each and every fraction of a second…but you know what? I didn't let it get to me. I had to sink it down to the unknown depths of my heart and beyond. I had to do it, Maes. Otherwise, it wouldn't be as it was..

What's this? Selfish? What a brilliant comment to make, Maes! You amaze me by means of your uniqueness! Admittedly, Maes, I was being selfish a little. And so was she. Now, that you will listen to me calmly, I want to tell you one of the many unsaid things. Please, don't be mad or anything, Maes. I know I was being self-centered, a little, but Maes, she wasn't exactly the saintly type, either…every time you invited me over, she laughed and chatted but beneath that, she saw me as her adversary. I know so as I had seen the way she looked at me.

The coldness, harsh sympathy in her eyes…and you knew of her cold emotions as well, Maes. Otherwise, you wouldn't come up with lame excuses for not being able to make it for dinner or how she had been so excited to hear of my arrival to your home; after her, one of those many hard slams of the knife against the board when you and me had our own chat.

And as for me being envious, I did let her have her own cup of happiness, didn't I? I did let her be proud of her committed husband. Not once, did I stick around for more than an hour! Envy? Not really. To stay away from her? No, to reserve. To reserve my urge, my willingness to get what I deserved, my right. I say this not out of selfishness, Maes. I wasn't being selfish...I was afraid. Feared my own resistibility, feared that my feelings would subdue my conscience, my morale.

And now, look at me. Look at me while I pursue my goals....with you no longer here to push me to the top. You aren't here beside me, but others are. You aren't beside me...but you are surely with me. As for the others...they are different. Different people with unspoken intentions.

Did you ever think how hard it'd be just to get a tiny piece of information? You knew me well Maes. Well enough to know how I hesitated to surrender before my virtues. Virtues make a man complete. But with times to come, circumstances enforce a man to conceal his virtues. I was no exception...

The touches of mere seconds, shifting pass by me, moments brushing against my skin at every besieged touch that I receive. It angers me. It makes me want to shout...but curse my conscience, telling me it's for the best. Forcing me to keep my mum. Even when those touches gradually become... less decent....highly licentious.

I feel like a cushion, you know. Being played with and pampering others like that....what? You're laughing now? I'm serious! A cushion, a cotton cushion-okay, okay, a sponge one! YES MAES! A 'puffy-fluffy' soft sponge cushion.

Nowadays, I'm doing best at what cushions do. Letting others temper with it...playing in whatever way they want to....just to satisfy their pleasures...their comfort...provoke their dominant desires, just to make itself useful.

A cushion is what they've made me...a cushion is what I've become.

All that I do is not unworthy, so to speak. Of course they're all worth it Maes! I don't merely waste my time or the others' who get paid not in cash but in kindness. I do get clues, you know! Clues to the puzzle that has remained unsolved and has been dying with you ever since that sorrowful night. My efforts don't go in vain, Maes! You can see it from up there, don't you? From among one of those many stars that stud the sky? Can't you see me Maes, beneath all the different people with disgusting intentions? Sure you do. I know that you keep your eye on me, Love! I'm sorry, Love! I know how much it hurts you to see me being-

However, Love, you know, how much vital it is for me to give up my virtues, my virginity towards others right now, for the time being. This mystery that surrounds your demise is like a big puzzle, each of its pieces scattered in different directions. It is hard to solve, but is solvable nevertheless. And each piece of puzzle I get shortens the distance between me and the justice I speak of. Both yours and mine...yes, that's true. Justice, no matter how long it takes, shall be done Maes. I'll make it happen. I'll succeed in finding the justice that you deserve, which, you and I both do.

In exchange for what, you ask? But of course Maes. In exchange for my virtues, my morale, my virginity. There aren't many times in my life when I say sorry. Rarer still, when I plead for forgiveness as desperately as I'm doing now. And this is one of those moments...damn my conscience!

But I can't complain. It's not appropriate for me to do so...not after I decided to walk the path of sacrifice. I was the one who chose this path; nobody compelled me to! And I pledged to give you the righteousness that you deserve. At any cost. I can't back down on it now! Not just to save my morale from going down the drain, or my virginity solely allowed for you to ruin it! I'll do anything, anything in my power to achieve success.

Let them do whatever they want with my body, Maes. I don't care. It doesn't really matter to me nowadays. As long as my loyalty to you remains unmarred, it doesn't really bother me to use my body to get closer and closer to the truth. I love you Maes, and I know that you think of it as the same way. And I'm happy to be finally useful to you, in a way.

You know, Maes! We'd probably be together now, raising a family of our own...no! I don't mean bearing your children, you Goofball! How am I supposed to do that? I was talking about adoption. You always loved kids, didn't you? We could be a family of three, at the most four, today if you were alive...but time and convention restrains...

It could've been...or at least, I could still see you, hold you, and touch you had it been not for that ruthless bastard who had dared to end your life so ruthlessly! You'd want me to track him down and bring him to his knees. You'd probably want me to punish him in the most fitting way. I want so too, trust me! He's the reason I'm left all alone, loveless...I want to avenge your death so badly, Maes, you don't have the slightest idea how much! Or....maybe you do...you always have...

And that's exactly what I'm doing. I'm carrying burdens of weight on top of me. Some heavy, some light, some gentle while the others, compelling...yes, with all that, and I know how it feels to be at the bottom…so helpless, yet for a purpose to fulfill. Yet, I have to do it. It's for my mental satisfaction, that yes justice has been made. To your demise, to my sacrifice, to our love and later on, our deaths...

Don't feel lonely up there, Love! I'll be joining you soon. Just wait till I peel off the work at hand. Then, I'll be sure to join you. I can't live without you… I'm striving solely to fulfill the promise I made to you… After that's been done, I don't really see the point in dragging my mortal coil anymore. It's been violated, too much for me to even wipe it clean and I can't live with the feeling of being filthy for the rest of my life. It's better to shed it off soon which I surely will do.

My life, my body, my soul, all belongs to you. And no one can take my love away from you just by making my body theirs. And after my purpose has been fulfilled, I, with all that I have, shall return to you, waiting for you to claim every single aspect of me- both physical as well as mental, once again; to hold me in your arms and claim every bit of myself to be yours and yours alone.

I'm a man of morale, Maes.

And nowadays, in the present iniquitous world, you'll have to give up more than just your morale.

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There you have it- right off the fanfiction-press! :D As I had said, a dark fic full of angst. The fic wasn't preplanned, really; the idea came all so suddenly, at the middle of the night to be more precise! I HAD to type it down! Guess, I was in a pretty intense mood myself! :P I hope it was to your liking. And now, as I always say, reviews are always welcomed and suggestions are CORDIALLY accepted. But no flames…please.

Thank you all, again.

Looking forward for your reviews,

~Euphoria


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